Giving the Unknown
I’m sure there are people out there who think loving yourself first, getting to know the person you are is the most important step of getting and keeping a healthy relationship. They may even question my stance on the question, “How do you expect to love someone fully when you don’t even know yourself fully?” And my answer to that is you’re not always ready for what life has in store for you but in those moments of living, you experience and grow and change and ultimately adapt. And loving yourself can surely happen to the fullest extent without knowing every single detail about yourself.
My Wife, honest to goodness, helps me understand who I am and the actions I make on a daily basis in a constructive way. Sure sometimes it's not always by fair rules but it’s always worth probing. Digging deeper to understand the comments and even sometimes the allegations. But I'd rather it come from someone who I know cares about me on a deeper level that allows for hurt feelings and bruised egos than someone with a hidden agenda and zero fucks to give about me.
In my vows I promised her that I would love every version of her. And in my life I hope to make true on my word every time a change happens altering the person I dedicated my life to. I did not vow to like every version of her, but in saying that I would love every version of her I vowed to respect, tolerate, listen, and build with each and every one of her variations. And it is my hope that even without mirrored vows that she also loves every version of me.
She challenges my thoughts and actions and sure that pisses me off more often than not, but I appreciate it. People in my past would just tear me down to be bigger than me. She tears me down to get to my roots. My foundation. My inner most being to gain understanding and perspective. And that beautiful disaster is what’s helping me give myself completely without knowing myself completely.
I waited years for my Wife to look my way and there was not a way in hell I was going to tell her after finally acknowledging me, “Hey, I’m not done learning every little bitty detail about myself…come back in say I don't know forty or fifty years.” It takes your whole life to discover and rediscover who you are and what your place in this world is and I for one think that it is absolute bull shit that you are supposed to know yourself down to the most minute detail before giving someone the chance to love you or giving yourself the chance to love.
I learned that I am absolutely terrible at accepting compliments and that I dish them out left and right to divert attention away from me. I’ve learned that I have no idea what I want to be or who I want to be. And slowly but surely it’s freaking me the fuck out but she helps me be ok with life’s normal uncertainties.
I’ve learned empathy and sympathy and that they aren’t even remotely the same thing. I’ve learned that I don't do well with missing the people that I love the most. I am still learning that just because I am a communication studies scholar that I am absolutely wretched in certain situations that require communication. I’ve learned that I’ve faked happiness for so long that I didn’t even know what true moments of happiness felt like until a road trip to Atlanta took my breath away and changed my outlook on life.
In loving my Wife and allowing her to love me I have discovered so much about myself. I've learned I'm a lot more courageous than I previously thought. That I’m a lot less perfect than I thought. Like seriously, one time we were arguing in the car and I stopped and said I have no idea why I’m being crazy, please forgive me seeing as I have no idea why I’m dragging you through the mud right now. And you know the crazy thing happened. She forgave me and we carried on with our lives.
She lets me ‘what if’ myself into sheer panic and oblivion. She lets me explore my sexuality. She does her best at letting me live out my mistakes and consequences though sometimes she can’t help herself in her efforts to save me pain or embarrassment from whatever the situation is, which I appreciate but wish she would stop. Immediately. But hey that’s what you do for the people you love the most right?
She keeps me wild when fears threaten to keep me tame. She keeps me safe from my own thoughts, when I let her. She lets me get as dark as I need to before pulling me back into the light of the awesome Saint she thinks I am. And it works. Positives reinforcement and affirmations have helped me grow into someone unknown to myself just one year ago today.
There is so much more out there than being obsessed with knowing every little thing about yourself. Sometimes listening to others and their view of you and your role in their lives can teach you more than any variation of downward facing dog or any amount of “omms” and “ooms” could do. Sometimes it’s better to shut up and listen. And let those around you, who you love, trust and respect tell you what a great person you are. Or what a great job you’re doing.
So what are your thoughts? Please comment and share your answers!
Is it too late to find yourself after you’ve committed to someone else?
Can I give myself to someone without fully knowing myself?
I like to think that my Wife has all of me. But do I even have all of me?
Can I love someone and give them my all without truly knowing what my all is?