Where You At?
Where you at bro? Why am I here? Why am I doing this stuff? I have so many questions. Like why have I been able to find not one but two great jobs but none with substance? None that make me feel as if I’m there for a reason. That my presence there is what has been missing in my life and theirs. Where is the excitement and the creativity and the willingness to learn? Half the time I don’t want to get out of bed because I’m already dreading the 8 hours that I’m about to spend wasting time. Purpose, you ever woke up and realized that the sole reason you’re up is to waste your time on something you don’t believe in? Probably not, right? But am I alone? That’s my question. Am I alone in looking for you? Are you looking for me too? They say Purpose has to find you working, but shit haven’t I been working?
Hey girl, long time no see. I miss you. I miss the way you boosted my sense of self. The way you stroked my ego and gave off that effortless glow of accomplishment. I miss us hanging out at award ceremonies and recognition dinners. I don’t know where you went, but I’m lost now. There’s no delight in everyday life, there’s no looking forward to tomorrow, there’s just wondering. Wondering whether or not I’m really happy in this chapter of my life. Wondering if this position is all that I’ll ever amount to. Wandering from job to job, city to city. Is it too early in life for me to feel contentment or to feel satisfaction because if that’s the case just let me know girl, and I will chalk this all up to not enough experience. Is it too early to want you to come back to me?
First off stop playing with me. Because for the past 5 years I couldn’t get you off my line. I found Passion in everything; from academics to my role as an RA to my VP position in my chapter to my internship at my first blog to what I ate to how many time I spoke with my Mother. I knew you. You knew me. You know me better than anything else in this world. If I didn’t have anything, I knew I had you. I found you everywhere I looked. Any time you called I answered and did my best to keep steadfast in whatever we were building together. So Passion...nah bruh miss me with. Because I don’t get it. Are we breaking up? Did we already break up? Can we just talk?
Come thru man! Courage I need you in these meetings, when I'm writing these emails and trying to express myself in this depressive office. I need you because it’s been a long time since I had the Courage to be who I think I know I am. It’s been a minute since I’ve had the Courage to ask the hard hitting questions out loud to my colleagues. The same questions that are screaming in my head trying to get. Hell, it’s been a minute since I’ve had the Courage to introduce myself in a meeting that carries just as much weight as everyone else in the room. Why am I being so submissive? Why am I allowing my greatness to shrink and my experiences no matter how small to be labeled as not qualified enough. I had the courage to apply. The courage to go hard in my interview. But where’s my courage to follow through?
So Many Questions.